


dépaysement

by TheSlavicShadow



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, I honestly don't know what I'm doing tbh, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Some Fluff, also andreil only appear for like a second also sorry for that, anyways there's almost no KevJean content and i love them, but no actual descriptions just the aftermath really, i wrote this instead of doing uni work, if not go yell at Abbey she beta'd this, it's about Jean more than Kevin sorry, mentions of torture, riko really comes as his own kind of warning doesn't he, so here I am posting something best described as mediocre 3k of words, this ends well I swear, time line wise this is all over the place but I promise it make sense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-17 03:00:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19945063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSlavicShadow/pseuds/TheSlavicShadow
Summary: /french/: disorientation, the feeling of not being in your home country- snippets of jean's life. or the one where jean and kevin slowly heal.





	dépaysement

**Author's Note:**

> hi. this is the first thing I've published in ages and it really was born out of the petty desire for more kevjean content. I guess I took the 'if no one else does it, do it yourself' thing a tad bit too serious, oops. Anyway I love these two and they deserve all the love and healing in the world.  
> All my love goes to Abbey for encouraging me with this, ur the best.

X —

He’s twenty when Kevin leaves and before he can truly grasp this new reality, he gets thrown into a row of lockers and feels heavy punches landing anywhere they can reach.

He can feel his skin split, can feel blood trickling down his head, arms, chest, can feel his knees begin to give out and all he can think is that Kevin left. Left him.

Kevin, the person he trusts most in the world, the person he loved, and held up for over ten years just left. In his subconscious Jean knows he had to leave. Would’ve been made an example of had he stayed but, sitting there bleeding, feeling punches land, wounds tear open, and his eyes watering, all he can think is that everyone he loves always _leaves._

I —

He’s ten when his father wakes him up early one morning, hands him a heavy backpack too big for him and says they need to leave, that there is a plane waiting for them. Jean doesn’t understand, doesn’t understand why he has to go but his sister, six at the time, sleeping in the bed next to him gets to stay. Doesn’t understand why his Maman looks at him, her hair undone and her face tear streaked, says to him “Sois sage, Jean, promets-moi, chérie, sois sage.”

When his father tugs at his hand and in English says “Now, Jean” he goes. Goes because that tone, that language, so foreign yet not, leaves no room to argue. A fifteen hour flight later, his father drags him into a black chauffeur driven car and finally tells him that they are in America. West Virginia, home to, Jean knows, the best college Exy team.

Apparently they want to train him and Jean doesn’t understand because he’s ten and he’d have to at least wait eight more years but his father doesn’t explain. They reach Castle Evermore and Jean is impressed but also overwhelmed and confused. He meets a tall, dark man who talks to his father in a language Jean doesn’t know.

His father tells Jean to change and that he will play Exy soon. Jean likes Exy and he knows he is good at it, really good even, so he changes and follows the strange man and his father to the stadium. He gets on the court, turns around once to look at his father, who nods, and plays. He must’ve impressed the man because when he stops, out of breath and exhausted, he is told he passed.

He is sent to bed and is too tired and exhausted to ask about his father. He never sees him again. Everyone always leaves.

XI —

At 23, Jean lives in Miami, signed to the second best team in the nation and he finally feels, not happy, but at peace. He still wakes up breathless and screaming some nights but he has a therapist and Kevin is only ever a phone call away.

His team is reliable and good and they value him, not for the number on his cheek but for his steadfast presence in the backline, his fast feet and quicker mind. He’s good at what he does and he only ever improved after leaving the nest. Turns out not having to play through injuries does wonders for his playing.

VII —

One night after a long practice of Raven drills with the Trojans, Jean collapses on his bed. His mind wanders and as it so often does these days, it drifts to Kevin.

Kevin who is thriving with the foxes, Kevin who taught himself to play right-handed, Kevin who nonetheless played left-handed out of pure spite.

Kevin, whom he hasn’t talked to since leaving Palmetto for USC and even then, their conversation was stilted and awkward, filled with guilt, shared trauma, and longing looks neither of them knew how to address.

And Jean hates this. Talking to Kevin, being with him, was always the thing that was easy, that made sense in this world. They had each other through it all and Jean is mad that Riko managed to destroy even that.

Not for the first time he curses a dead man, a ghost who won’t leave.

III —

Kevin and Jean aren’t allowed to be Kevin-and-Jean outside of their moments of peace. They find moments where they hide in dark rooms, whisper secrets into each others lips until talking gets to be too much and they trade words for a different form of intimacy.

Jean doesn’t realize he’s fallen until it’s too late and it is terrifying and thrilling all the same. He doesn’t think he’ll ever tell Kevin because that requires courage and at fifteen most of his courage was already beaten out of him.

Kevin, though, is strong and lovely.

They are snuggled together, Kevin hiding his face in Jeans neck and tracing fingers over the scars littering Jeans chest, “Je pense que je pourrais être amoureux de toi, Jean.”

Jean’s breath catches in his throat because even though he knew, had to know that somehow Kevin felt the same it’s still a shock to hear it.

His reply is almost nothing more than a sigh into Kevin’s hair. “Moi aussi, mais c'est impossible. C'est dangereux.” He wishes it were different, he wishes they could be different, could be happy. Kevin stiffens in his arms and Jean doesn’t have it in him to see him suffer and tightens his embrace, “Faisons semblant. Juste pour un petit moment.”

XII —

At 25, Jean stands on a podium in a foreign country. Next to him, Kevin, Josten, a bored looking Minyard, and Jeremy.

They all lower their heads as gold medals are placed on them and Jean catches Kevin eyes and sees the same combination of disbelief and excitement on his face that he feels. Jean touches his gold medal, thinks of the three permanently inked on his cheek and breathes.

Without Riko the perfect court fell apart but he and Kevin realized along the way that they really, really don’t need him to win. The gold medals around their necks just prove this.

He looks up, sees himself on screens reflecting throughout the entire stadium and realizes he is smiling.

II —-

Jean barely remembers what his life in France was like. He was altogether too young to recall much and most of his memory was replaced with over a decade of ritualistic torture, exy strategies, and trying to survive while wanting to die.

The things he does remember are flashes; his younger sister, her hair whipping into her face as she ran around the house, the torturous English lessons his father made him start when he was too young to, his mother’s painted on smile, and Marseille.

Most of all Marseille, with its beautiful beaches, colorful, shining people, even the flourishing crime in the city.

The color and brightness of it all is what he recalls most and are what he shares, whispered, with a 14 year old Kevin while teaching him French. Kevin, in turn, tells him of his mother, his visits to Ireland, and long car rides where his mom would sing with him.

Jean doesn’t have memories like that to share, his family was always distanced and anyway most of the stories you tell of when you’re young are stories that were told to you by family members because no one really recalls much of their childhood, or at least Jean guesses so.

Later, he and Kevin share their lives differently with each other. Hide away when they can and Jean teaches Kevin more French in between sweet kisses, utterly gentle at first, because they both haven’t felt softness in a long time, Riko won’t allow there to be any.

Jean doesn’t feel at home in West Virginia or the US in general but in these moments of quiet with Kevin, when they don’t have to talk to share each other is when he feels the most centered, oriented, even calm for a while.

VIII—

Jean loves Miami. Loves the heat, the people, the brightness, the beach, the overlap of languages.

It’s not Marseille but it’s the closest he will get.

He has friends now. He has Jeremy, Renee, Alvarez, and Laila who all in their own right saved his life when he got to USC. He has his teammates in Miami who are all good players and even better people. He has this one neighbor whose dog loves Jean and who will jump up at him whenever they see each other around.

It’s not Marseille. But it’s okay.

V —

Jean is pretty sure he is dead. His head is pounding, his ears are ringing, and he can just about make out white blond hair. He’s always thought that death would at least be quiet. Not peaceful, but maybe silent.

He must’ve said so out loud because the blond hair whips around and he sees a face that has always calmed him and hears Renee’s voice. “You’re not dead, Jean. I got you out, just hold on for a bit.”

Jean doesn’t believe Renee, is pretty sure he dreamed her up in death, or that she is some sort of manifestation of an angel but is too tired and in pain to argue. The next day he realizes that dream-Renee is actual real-life Renee and that he didn’t die.

He doesn’t know what to make of it and anyway he’s so tired he falls back asleep looking at the pastel rainbow in her hair. He wakes again when the Foxes nurse, a kind woman, treats his wounds while blinking through tears. She doesn’t hide her tears or the anguish in her eyes but Jean sees no pity and therefore lets her.

He doesn’t realize he’s actually in South Carolina until he wakes yet again and once he does he falls into a panic, tries to get up. He has to get back to West Virginia, back to Riko, to the Master, he has to. He doesn’t get far before Renee grabs at him, pushes him back down on the bed and tells him that no, under no circumstances is he allowed to go back. Jean tries to flee a handful more times but eventually learns to give up and realizes there is no fighting Renee Walker. He remembers thinking Renee was an angel and decides the image fits. Powerful, stern, but kind and loving.

He stays in Palmetto until he is healed enough to make the flight to Los Angeles. He’s seen Kevin only a few times and having him so close and yet not hurts more than his wounds do. He doesn’t reach out to Kevin and Kevin doesn’t come see him much, either. It’s too hard, they both know.

Yet, Kevin is there when Jean leaves for his flight. Stands in between Renee, Josten, and Minyard. Jean doesn’t understand why Andrew is there, doesn’t understand the intricate relationship between Andrew-Neil-and-Kevin and doesn’t think he has the right to ask. He’s pretty sure Kevin wouldn’t know, either.

IV —

Riko finds out about Kevin-and-Jean close to Jeans nineteenth birthday. It was never a question if he would, just more of a when. He doesn’t know how Riko found out. Doesn’t know if maybe one Raven saw something they shouldn’t have, if maybe Riko caught one of them looking at each other, caught whispered conversations in French, if maybe he saw Kevin’s fingers lingering when patching him up or if he just suspected.

But he finds out regardless.

And Jean’s nineteenth birthday is spent in more pain than he can remember being in, is spent watching, helpless, as Riko drags knives over his skin and marks it with cigarette burns. Jean watches Kevin from the corner of his eyes, Kevin, who was made to stay and is staring at Jean and Riko in a way that makes Jean think he can’t decide between closing his eyes to shield him from the horror or keep them open to catalogue everywhere Riko hurts Jean.

In the end he chooses to keep his eyes open, blinking through tears as Riko tells him that Kevin shouldn’t get attached to property, that this is what happens and anyway, Kevin is to be straight.

After, Riko leaves. Jean is curled up on the floor, drying blood tangled in his dark hair, smeared on his face, his back, and chest. He can feel his cheekbone swelling and suspects at least two broken ribs.

He winces when he feels a hand on him, forces his eyes open “You shouldn’t be here, he’ll come looking for you, Kev.”

The room is too dark or maybe Jean’s vision is just cloudy but he can’t fully make out Kevin but thinks he sees him shrug “He already knows, let me help you, please” There’s desperation in his voice, and Jean thinks, pain.

He relents with a tiny broken nod and hears Kevin sigh with relief as he begins patching Jean up. He’s gotten good at it over the years, careful touches, soft as a butterfly wing, caressing his skin, examining his broken body. It must be bad, he feels Kevin’s fingers flinch and shake and once in a while feels Kevin press feather light kisses to his face.

VI —

He arrives at USC and everything is bright. He got used to seeing the sun again in Palmetto, even craved it, but this is different. California is bright and loud and filled with too many happy-go-lucky people. Jean officially meets Jeremy Knox as his new captain and finds out they will share a room. He tries to dismiss the fear curling up inside of him at the thought of living with his captain because even one look at Jeremy is enough to know that he has probably never even killed a fly.

Knox is loud and bright and obnoxious and Jean soon finds out that the rest of the Trojans are too. They are all sunny and so, so repulsively nice but none more so than their captain. Jeremy radiates sunshine and Jean is - overwhelmed.

It gets easier with time. He learns that Jeremy also has problems, suffers from severe anxiety. It makes him more human. Jean learns that Jeremy _wants_ him to speak up, wants Jean to offer advice, and is happiest when on court.

That, at least, Jean understands. He doesn’t love exy anymore, doesn’t know if he will ever be able to again but he enjoys competition and craves the adrenaline that comes with a game. He learns to participate in group outings and even when he stays quiet the other trojans still seem to want him around. He goes out to brunch with Laila, starts talking to Alvarez at the gym and learns way too much about her and Laila and their relationship.

He, even, learns to enjoy life.

He finds out that he loves sunrises more than sunsets and when he tells Jeremy, Jeremy wakes him early one morning and takes him to the rooftop to watch the sunrise.

“I come from a huge farm and when I came to L.A. I always ended up here when I needed some quiet it’s, like, my version of the mountains. Plus, the view is pretty great, right?”

Jean doesn’t reply, just hums softly and looks out over campus.

Afterwards, Jeremy and he wake up a disgruntled Alvarez and Laila for breakfast.

Laila, who Jean learned, isn’t much of a person before her first coffee glares at Jean “I’m blaming you for this, Frenchie, so I’m making you pay for my breakfast. And I want waffles. Lots of them.”

She doesn’t give Jean time to reply or explain himself or even - childishly - blame Jeremy before grabbing her keys and stalking out the door down to her car.

IX —

In the end, he’s not sure who reached out first, only knows that suddenly they are talking again. It’s not much at first, a few texts and phone calls here and there, but it is something. More than Jean knows what to do with, at first. He goes to Jeremy. He’s never been anything but blunt and months spent with Jeremy means he learned that Jeremy doesn’t mind, even finds his bluntness refreshing but now he finds his tongue is stuck to the roof of his mouth.

Jean leans against the doorframe of their bedroom and watches Jeremy as he pushes his glasses up his nose as he contemplates his words.

“Do you think you can reconcile broken relationships?” It’s not what he meant to say, comes out a bit too honest, really.

“I think so, yeah. If everyone involved is willing” Jeremy looks confused at Jeans sudden question but his answer still comes quick, steady and feels honest.

“Why, what’s wrong?” Jean sighs and moves to perch on his desk. He doesn’t know how much to say, or even where to start.

Eventually, he decides to settle on the truth. “I…I miss Kevin. I think. We haven’t really talked and it’s strange because he’s _Kevin_ but it’s complicated.”

Jeremy looks at Jean as if he’s an open book and Jean, not for the first time, wonders why he always ends up spilling all his secrets to him.

“I mean, I don’t know, dude. But you and Kevin have been through a lot and call me an optimist but if anyone can work out their shit, it’s probably you.”

Surprisingly, they do.

Their texts and calls increase and soon they move on to face-timing. It’s strange, but not. Their conversations are the same as they used to be, back when they were whispered words into hot skin but they’re also different. They tread lightly, and avoid topics they both know would rip open wounds that just started to heal.

Still, they progress and the next summer, during their break, Kevin comes to visit.

They talk and walk around campus and Jean even takes Kevin to the beach. Soon they fall back into a rhythm that only over a decade of established camaraderie can create.

It shouldn’t come as much of a surprise to either of them when talking side by side at the beach turns into Kevin leaning onto Jean’s shoulder, turns into Jeans fingers idly stroking Kevin’s hair, turns into Jeans lips meeting Kevin’s forehead, turns into them reaching out to each other, carefully, and turns into their lips meeting, finally.

The kiss feels like any other they’ve shared and none of them. Jeans hand, still in Kevins hair, slips down to the side of his neck and they stay like that for what could’ve been decades. When they do part, they do so to catch their breaths, and Jean pulls away enough to look at Kevin and sees him smiling.

He lifts his hand to his face and finds that he, too, is smiling. Silently, he thinks they’ll be okay as he draws Kevin close to him once more.

**Author's Note:**

> Sois sage, Jean, promets-moi, chérie, sois sage — be good, Jean, promise me, darling, be good
> 
> Je pense que je pourrais être amoureux de toi, Jean. — I think I’m in love with you, Jean
> 
> Moi aussi, mais c'est impossible. C'est dangereux. — Me too, but we can’t. It’s too dangerous.
> 
> Faisons semblant. Juste pour un petit moment. — We can pretend, just for a little while. 
> 
> *I'm not French, but 5 years of French lessons that ended about 7 years ago tell me this might be correct, hopefully. If it isn't and you can help me with it, gimme a shout! *I'm also not a native English speaker, so there's that...  
> _________________________________________________________________
> 
> ugh I really, really love these two.  
> anyway, I haven't written in ages please be kind. Leave some opinions if you have them, please. <3  
> find me on tumblr at jjeanmorreau where I do a lot of yelling about things, or on twitter at iinagetawaycar where I do more of the same but ~quieter~ lmao  
> if I ever get the courage to post this find me crying into a tub of ice cream lmao


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